2012: REVIEW

The Criterion Collection released an edition of ARMAGEDDON, with the defense that it was a perfect example of the big, overblown mid-90's disaster movie, which was the popular style of the time. They had the right idea, but they picked the wrong movie.

I enjoyed ARMAGEDDON, it was fun for what it was, but if you ask someone "you know, that big 90's disaster movie", they'll say, "Oh, you mean INDEPENDENCE DAY?"

As dumb as it was, INDEPENDENCE DAY, like GROUNDHOG DAY, has entered our collective imagination as a reference point. Why? Because it was fun, because it was huge, because it made a star out of Will Smith, and to put it simply, 9/11. When dust clouds were rolling down the REAL streets of New York, all I remember thinking is I've seen this before... and I had, only there were aliens, and Harvey Fierstein, and the Tin Man, and, and...

It's not director/creator/crazy german Ronald Emmerich's fault that his movie accurately portrayed real terrorist devastation. He just thinks big, big and dumb: STARGATE, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, GODZILLA, etc. Well, it's eight years later, and time has made INDEPENDENCE DAY slowly slide back into being fun and not at all and invitation to post traumatic stress inducer. There's something somehow comforting in, with the economy in the crapper and people wanting to blow us up, watching The End Of The World As We Know It because ALIENS HAVE LANDED. Or GLOBAL WARMING WILL KILL US ALL. Or THERE IS A GIANT MONSTER AND OH MY GOD I HAVEN'T TOLD MY DAUGHTER I LOVED HER AIIEEEEE

So, in short, not his fault that terrorist attacks made me think of his movie. It IS his fault that he keeps making the same movie over and over again. 2012 is the same movie he has made before, only bigger. But you knew that. I knew that. Your dog knows that. The only question is, does 2012 deliver? The answer is yes. Oh my, yes.

30 minutes of exposition and ominous portents, followed by 2 hours of demolition derby. Everything explodes in this movie. Everything. If there's something that's a famous landmark, it blows up. And it is silly. Delightfully silly. A man says to his girlfriend, "I feel like something's come between us," and then a giant fissure opens between them. A giant plane is revealed, and some kid says, "it's huge!", and a nearby Russian mobster growls, "It's Russian." A noble scientist says, "If we don't open these doors, we lose our humanity!" And someone replies, "Oh, just do it then." Actually, that was the gay couple sitting next to me, but you get the general idea.

And yet, there is a certain baseline competency (see Howard, Ron) that Emmerich brings to his movies that makes them satisfying, if nothing else. He likes the ominous forboding. He lingers on his effects, inviting us to see how big, crazy and intricate they are. There is no quick cutting and shaky cam. It may not be new, but after a summer of big budget disasters, it is comforting.

The screenplay is nothing new or original, but the same story we've seen before about lots of individuals coming together to face an imminent threat. This is also somewhat comforting. Stock characters work if the performers are good enough, and with John Cusack, Danny Glover and Woody Harrelson (as the requisite crazy guy) on board, they work here. And Emmerich keeps topping himself with the destruction.

Look, you pays your money, you takes your chances. 2012 is as advertised. You want wholesale world desctruction? You got it. You want memorable characters, witty dialogue and smart plot twists? STAR TREK comes out on tuesday on DVD, and UP is available.

RATING: * * * (out of 5 stars)

P.S. There is one (1) intriguing idea in the movie. The noble scientist remarks that, just because he happens to be reading some guy's book that no one bought, and he just happens to be one of the few that will survive the cataclycsm, that book will endure for generations while other books don't, by chance. Should Emmerich be right and 2012 actually happen and there's only room on board for one disaster movie to make it through the ages, I hope it's THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE. You heard me. There has never been a better disaster movie than THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE.

P.P.S. THE PATRIOT is Emmerich's worst movie. Even worse than GODZILLA. You heard me.