CABIN BOY: REVIEW

CABIN BOY

I saw this movie as a kid, I remember liking it. But I also remember liking stupid movies as a kid. I also remember Entertainment Weekly giving it an F and a two line review. And David Letterman asking someone if they wanted to buy a monkey.

Thanks to the power of Brian Smallwood's lending, I shall review this movie as it happens to me.

...

Again.


TimeCode ahoy, and enjoy!


Credit Sequence:
A rousing score, with traditional bold credits and a sea chart... but the credits are interrupted with fish. Lots and lots of fish. It is not funny so much as odd. Also, Tim Burton produced this?

2:40:
Chris Elloitt is a fancy lad. I don't know what that means, except that he's wearing a wig and too short shorts, and is an ass.

4:40:
Alfred Molina plays a very small part of a professor. Doesn't embarass himself.

5:40:
Chris Elliot makes a joke about his large penis. Embarrasses himself.

9:30:
David Letterman plays some old crusty lowlife. Embarrasses himself, but makes a joke about a sock monkey, so it's okay.

11:20:
Andy Richter shows up. Instantly funnier than anything that's happened so far, and all he's done is stare at the screen.

13:25:
I retract the previous statement, as I have just seen Andy Richter impersonate a harem girl dancing. Yes, it was gross. No, he didn't take his shirt off. Chris Elliott responds with his one funny line so far: "Well, thank you for that, whatever that was."

15:06
James Gammond just showed up, the manager from Major League. This is the most positive development so far.

15:10
The “fishing ship” takes off, it’s a shitty model in a tank. Does not bode well.

24:30
Nothing of note has happened in the past ten minutes. The movie’s only 80 minutes long.

24:59
Straight from a John Waters/Steven King Nightmare, it’s Ricki Lake as the living masthead of the boat and two leathery cloud faces blowing wind from the skies.

26:10
Andy Richter just died.

28:55:
Crew banter:
“I don’t want to end up as flounder shit.”
“Yeah, those flounders are bloodthirsty bastards.”

30:59
Chris Elloitt has given James Gammond a bath, and I, I have gone blind.

35:10
A self described giant, fat ass floating cupcake just spit tobacco in Chris Ellott’s face. I swear to god I am not making this up.

See?! Giant Cucpake.

36:35:
Russ tamblyn, aka Dr. Jackobi from Twin Peaks, has a cameo as a sharkman.

37:35:
Sharkman is actually Chocki. We just heard the legend. I fear it’s a plot point.

43:58:
The romantic interest just showed up. She was trying to swim from Maryland to Maryland. This is the longest 80 minute of my life;

48:07
Also, worst water special effects ever, and I’ve seen Ed Wood movies.

52:00
It occurs to me the actor who’s playing the captain thinks he’s in an actual movie. Oh, and an iceburg just winked at Chris Elliott.

52:55
Iceberg is an abominable snowman. Attacking ship. This movie makes no sense.

54:45
they just defeated the snowman with their coffeemaker. There was no reason for that scene at all.

55:05:
The name of the boat is “The Filthy Whore.”

1:01:52
Chris Elliott just lost his virginity to a 6 armed woman.

1:02:00
Chris Elloitt to Love interest: “Let’s just say I’ve shed my feminine side… like a snake sheds its fur.” Then he makes out with her. I hate myself, and this movie, and everything.

1:03:00
The giant of the island just said, “I sold one lousy electronic toothbrush to a flying leprechaun.” I wish I was drunk. Or dead.

1:06:10:
Actual funny line: "We've got to stop him from getting his grubby hands on The Filithy Whore!"

1:07:32
I think this is the climax of the movie: Chris Elloitt just rode his love interest like a dolphin, (as in, she swam him out to sea) grabbed a pen from the giant’s pocket protector, but the giant got the upper hand, then the sharkman, Chocki, showed up and saved Elliott. Now, Elliott is choking the giant with his the giant's own leather belt. Now, the Giant's dead.

1:10:00.
There are only 10 minutes left in the movie, according to the DVD case.

1:14:10
Chris Elliott’s father, Bob Elliott, shows up as the boy’s father. Embarasses himself.

1:15:25:
“Oh, Nathanial, your words melt like butter in my brain!” says the love interest.

1:16:45:
Movie over. Brain hurts.

1:16:46
Must kill Brian Smallwood.

Grade: Zero Stars (out of Five)