I WATCHED THIS MOVIE SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO: THE MUMMY 3

THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR REVIEW

For all of it's many, many flaws, INDIANA JONES AND THE CRYSTAL SKULL got one thing right: how to reunite characters after many movies and make it mean something.

You remember: Karen Allen walks out of the tent, and she and Ford share an honest to goodness moment of memory and fondness, and you think, hey, they nuked the fridge but maybe this movie will turn out right after all! Well, that didn't happen, for well-documented reasons involving monkeys, fire ants and aliens, but at least you cared about Indy and Marian, if even if their son was a bit of a LaBouf.

Strange, then, to watch THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR, a movie that gets the ancient archeology curse thing right, but can't even manage a bronze in the give-a-shit-olympics when it comes to the family dynamic between Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser), Evie O'Connell (Maria Bello) and their son Alex (Luke Ford.) Of course, let's be fair: Fraser, who I usually like, has never been worse; Bello, who I usually love, is saddled with an impossible accent; and Luke Ford, who I have never seen before, can out douche LaBouf any day of the week. I cared more about the characters in TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN.

Which is stranger because, damn it all, I still really like the first MUMMY movie. I like dumb adventure movies. I know this movie got bad reviews, but I'm it's prime audience. I'm willing to set my brain on hold to be entertained.

See, Stephen Sommers, writer/director of THE MUMMY, can't make a good movie but he can make fantastic trash. Energetically if not expertly acted trash, full of hokeum, usually dumb, but delightfully silly and fun nonetheless. Maybe it's because he didn't know he was making a comedy. THE MUMMY RETURNS, his follow up, did stink something terrible. Maybe because he was trying to make a comedy, or something, who knows. (Thankfully, he returned to form with G.I. JOE, where he thought he was making a real action movie, and made yet another small miracle of campy explosion-fest).

Ah, but the reins of the MUMMY "series" were handed over to Rob Cohen, who, after making DRAGONHEART, THE SKULLS, XXX, DAYLIGHT and STEALTH, still gets work as a director. (Truth in criticsm: FAST AND THE FURIOUS 1 was alright). I fully understand handing over a series to a new director for a reboot, but what exactly in those previous films convinced Universal that he was the man for this job?

Because sure, the acting's terrible, and I wasn't willing to be much on the writing... but isn't it strange how bad this movie looks? Oh, the location work is fine, there are some nice shots of the himalays and the tomb-raiding stuff is neat. The practical action scenes are competent enough, guns going bang-bang and such.

But the digital effects are horrifically bad. WOLVERINE bad. LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN BAD. And it this movie wasn't cheap, either, it cost some 150 million dollars. The best thing a digital effect can do is be hidden (FORREST GUMP); the next best thing is to pass for real (LORD OF THE RINGS); or look fake but in a stylized way (SPEED RACER); if all else fails, it can look fake, but at least look fake with some wit (THE MUMMY.) THE MUMMY 3 fails all of these tests. Not one digital moment looks real, we are constantly aware of actors on set looking at ping pong balls that represent Yetis, Mummys, Skeletons, Etc.

Oh, for a return to the days of practical effects. For 165 million you could pay an army of guys in mummy suits to slouch around all day. Alas, here every time the movie flexes its financial muscle, we get awful CG dragons, ice effects, friendly yetis who wouldn't pass muster in a Sci-Fi creature feature and the single worst computer generated decapitation I have ever seen.

So when the effects fail and the writing's already pretty bad, all we're left with is the characters and the actors who play them. Hear! Brendan Fraser scream every line he's been given, even when the situation doesn't call for it! See! Maria Bello remind everyone why she does dramas, and not action movies! Cringe! As Luke Ford makes dick jokes about his machine guns! Stare blankly! As Jet Li manages to get top billing for a role where he's a digital clay soldier for 80% of his screen time! Shake your head! As Michelle Yeoh is hired, but no one remembered to write her a real character!

All that's left to report, sadly, is the still funny John Hannah, as the simpering comic relief who gets saddled with a Yak for a sidekick. When his plane crashes, Yak inside, someone says "What is that awful smell!" Hannah moans "The Yak Yakked!" It's a bad line, but give the man credit, at least he's trying. No one else bothered too.

I got this movie for 2 dollars on Black Friday. That's $1.50 too much.

RATING: * Star (Out of Five)

P.S. I will say this. At least the Jet Li didn't end up being an alien from the "space between space". And no one hides in a fridge to outlive a nuclear blast. That's something.