REVOLVER: A KIND OF REVIEW

Brett Weiner, this one's for you.

You warned me about this movie. The reviews were toxic, as it was made at the height of Guy Ritchie being sucked into Madonna's Kabballah obsession. Other than Jason Staham, the only claim to fame in terms of casting was Andre 3000, that guy who played Big Pussy on the Sopranos, and the animated corpse of Ray Liotta.

I knew it was probably going to be bad, but I have a soft spot for Guy Ritchie. LOCK STOCK and SNATCH were a hell of a lot of fun. I haven't seen SWEPT AWAY, reviewed as the worst movie of the decade, but I'm willing to bet that Madonna can talk a lot of men into stupid things, so I won't hold that against him. Lord knows I've been talked into bad ideas before.

I still wasn't prepared for the three (3!) quotes about knowing your enemy that started the movie. Starting any movie with a quote on the screen is bad enough, but three? Really?

Anyway, the movie starts out with all of those quotes, some whiny narration from Jason Staham, and as mentioned, the animated corpse of Ray Liotta. Oh, and Jason Staham can correctly guess coin tosses, but hates elevators. And some guys get shot. It's like The Transporter directed by Darren Aronofsky.

So about 10 minutes into the movie, having no idea what was going on, other than Ray Liotta doesn't look so good, I dug up the short spoiler from moviepooper.com:

"Avi (Andre Benjamin) and Zach (Vincent Pastore) are the men who were on either side of Jake Green (Jason Statham) in prison. All their methods were an attempt to apply "The Formula", and thus save Jake's life."

That didn't help. I looked at the 'long spoiler':

"Jake Green decides not to kill Dorothy Macha (Ray Liotta), finally figuring out that the mysterious Sam Gold is actually part of his psyche. After a confrontation in a stalled elevator, Jake leaves that part of him behind, finally becoming his own person. After coming back to the loansharks, Avi and Zach, he finally realizes that they were the two prisoners on either side of him in the cell block, the ones who developed The Formula (the ideas allowing Jake to win any game of chance, and also what made him so good at chess). The two had been manipulating him from the moment he got out of prison (and all the way through the film, as well), in an effort to get him to realize that his mind was the real enemy, and not the people around him."

Based upon my ten minutes and this paragraph, I have decided to not finish REVOLVER. It's ten minutes of my life I'll never get back, but I reckoned I saved 100 by reading the 30 second spoiler. Remember: the real enemy is in your mind.

To those that would say this review is a total cop-out, you are correct. To those who rant at me as to why I waste my time watching godawful movies all the way through, you have won this round.

RATING: DNF (Did Not Finish)

P.S. Everyone gets one. In the case of Guy Ritchie, he gets SHERLOCK HOLMES. If that also stinks, I'm done with him.