"How dare you come into this office and bark at me some kind of junk yard dog?! I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!" - Clear and Present Danger
That's pretty much what most critics (or at least 79% of them) have screamed at TRANSFORMERS 2: STUFF BLOWS UP. Really, they're screaming at Michael Bay. Why? Because no matter what they say, no matter what they do, they cannot destroy this man.
Fact: Every Michael Bay movie except the first BAD BOYS and THE ISLAND has made over 130 million dollars, domestically. And BAD BOYS made 75 million overseas. So really, the man has had one flop, THE ISLAND.
Fact: Pretty much every movie he has made except THE ROCK has been critically roasted.
Fact: When it comes to Michael Bay movies, no one gives a shit about the reviews.
Fact: Critics hate feeling powerless.
Oh, don't get me wrong. Critics have power over a lot of movies. Well reviewed broad mainstream movies rarely flop. And when broad mainstream movies with well known older actors get tepid notices, (see: TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3) they don't do as well. The good reviews for DARK KNIGHT brought in a huge audience that wouldn't have showed up otherwise. The reviews for CATWOMAN helped bury it.
But Michael Bay blows stuff up, teenagers pay attention. They get what they are promised (explosions), they leave happy. And except for THE ROCK (which I love), critics kept stabbing with their knives. And his movies made millions. So it went for years, until he decided to combine his explosion prowess with robots that turn into cars. You know, for kids!
Now, he is literally unstoppable. Kids and explosion addicts don't care about reviews, they care about the big badda boom. And the critics hate him, hate him, hate him (HATE HIM) for it. And they hate him more because he obviously does not give a rat's ass. He doesn't whine about being a misunderstood artist, he smiles and counts his millions. Any studio would want to work with him. Why not? They always get rich, as long as the movie can be explained in a tag line.
Lost in all this back and forth Bay-bashing is the movie itself, which is not very good. But given how much rancor was being directed towards it, you would think it was the second coming of BATTLEFIELD EARTH. Don't be fooled: it isn't. It is plot-less, it is overlong, it is repetitive and it is a bad Transformers story. But, if I had my druthers between watching WOLVERINE or TERMINATOR 4 or TRANSFORMERS 2 again, I'd choose the third, if I had to choose.
Why?
It's more fun. WOLVERINE and TERMINATOR were hampered by a sense that Very Important Things were going on the entire movie. Nothing very important goes on in Transformers, even though the fate of the world depends on Shia LeBouf's brain. It has never heard the words "over the top." First Michael Bay throws in the Kitchen Sink. Then he blows it up. So much stuff blows up in this movie, and some of it looks really cool. And the movie can still get mileage out of the Transformers Brand. Cars turning into robots turning into cars is cool, Optimus Prime is still cool, damn it all. And the performers mostly keep their shit together for most of the movie, which cannot be said for anyone in WOLVERINE or TERMINATOR.
But is it a good movie? Oh, lord no.
About the plot... there isn't one. TRANSFORMERS 1 had a (in retrospect) beautifully simple plot. Find the cube to save the world. Once they found the cube, keep it away from Megatron. It may not have been brilliant, but it was clear. TRANSFORMERS 2 has the equivalent of three or four different "things to find", in addition to plot threads about loyalty, faith, growing up, and Barack Obama is a Weenie. (There are many snide comments about the President negotiating with Decepticon terrorists) These threads are picked up and abandoned at random. The "things to find" are found often, then lost, with little to no effect. More than four times during the 2.5 hours, I had no idea what was going on.
And the additions to the cast of robots are NEVER PROPERLY INTRODUCED. The best sequence of the first movie was the introduction of the Autobots, where they first land, take their shape and say their names. It was almost magical. Here, we get a whole list of new characters without names or personality traits, who exist to be destroyed. We get no sense of any personality for most of the new good guys, except for the "twins", who are the best slice of racist pie since Jar Jar Binks. Seriously: one of them has a golden tooth, they make many jokes about popping caps in people's asses, and they don't do much readin'. As for the new bad guys, they barely say anything at all, except for poor Soundwave, who gets to sit in space and be the equivlanet of the Decepticon 'can you hear me now' guy. When a poorly animated cartoon designed to sell more toys has more personality than a 200 million dollar, 2.5 hour monstrosity, you are in serious ca-ca. Also, when a robot named "Wheelie" is only the third most annoying character in your movie, you are also in... well, you know. A stinky 2.5 hours.
About the 2.5 hours... Seriously? Michael Bay looked at the running time on the first movie and said, "what this needs is more"? I guess it would make sense if that running time was used to tell an epic tale, but this movie basically has two modes: uneven 'comic relief', and explosions. There is no reason to have there be more, except that Michael Bay demands it. The last 45 minutes involves an action scene in the desert. Some of it is utterly incomprehensible. What Tony Winner Julie White is doing in the desert running from explosions, I do not know.
But the bad stuff you knew. You knew it when you opened the first reviews. The question is (or was for me), but is it any fun? Kind of. Is it bad? Not as bad as you'd think. Is there any reason to see it? Not really. Even if you're a huge fan of the show? Not really. If you want to see a good TRANSFORMERS movie, rent the first one- it's better in almost every way. Or the actual TRANSFORMERS movie, the animated one, which WAS better in EVERY single way.
I saw this movie for 5 dollars at a 1pm matinee at a crappy rundown theater. That's about right.
RATING: 2 stars (out of 5).
P.S.: A moment of silence, please, for Jerry Bruckhemier, Michael Bay's old partner in crime. Based on the first few days, TRANSFORMERS 2 will be the biggest movie of the summer. Jerry Bruckhemier's big summer movie this year is a movie about secret agent guinea pigs. Michael Bay wins.
P.P.S.: The Fallen is a lame, aztek-looking evil robot who is much less impressive than Megatron. Unicron, you are missed.
I WISH I HAD MORE TO DO IN THIS MOVIE, MEGATRON.
New Final Thoughts: I stand by the original review, but this movie has gotten worse in my mind. That G.I. JOE is more fun is kind of the best egg you could throw at Michael Bay.
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