3000 MILES TO GRACELAND: REVIEW

F L A S H B A C K R E V I E W

Sometimes, we are forced to do unpleasant things in life. Unclogging a toilet, for example. Holding someone's head when they've had too much to drink. Recovering the "black box" from a crashed 747 while the wreckage is still on fire.

Seeing a Kevin Costner movie.

Although he may have been a huge star once, his recent string of movies (13 Days aside) have become progressively more painful to watch: Waterworld. The Postman. Message in a Bottle. For Love of the Game.

But there is nothing than can possibly prepare you for 3000 Miles to Graceland. No warning, no remark, no description can do this movie justice. It's hard to think of a recent movie that was so unbalanced in tone, so ineptly made, so tasteless, or so horribly acted.

This is not an exaggeration. We're talking below Get Carter.

Consider this: if one were to make a movie about Elvis impersonators robbing a casino in Las Vegas, what would be a good opening sequence? Shots of Elvis dancing and singing? Shots of Las Vegas with appropriate music? Fast cars driving in the desert? The gang getting their gear ready? Nope. If you're making 3000 Miles to Graceland, you show a badly animated clip of two computerized scorpions fighting to death while techno music blares in the background.

Consider again: if the plot of this movie consists of the criminals robbing a casino, wouldn't it make sense to include a scene explaining the scheme and how everyone got there? No such luck, as all of the Las Vegas heist takes place - with a minimum amount of dialogue - during the first 20 minutes. Then the real "fun" begins. Costner's character kills everyone except Kurt Russell and the film goes from absurd Las Vegas action movie to absurd Idaho chase movie. Add in a cute kid, Courtney Cox as a love interest, and the revelation that - brace yourself here - Kevin Costner is actually Elvis's love child, and you've got a movie!

We're talking worse than Battlefield Earth.

Possibly the worst part of this movie is its completely inconsistent tone. Never mind that the plot simply doesn't makes sense; this movie can't even decide what it's trying to be. When the heist at the casino goes wrong, the movie suddenly becomes The Matrix, with techno, guns blazing in slow motion, and bodies piling up everywhere. Then, when one of the gang is killed, the music suddenly turns into something out of Miami Vice and the cast members scream and moan as if a great wrong has been done. Seconds later, the body is thrown out of a helicopter, Con Air style.

This rapid change in tone makes the violent scenes more disturbing and the "emotional" scenes even sillier. Characters very close and unified in one scene shoot each other in the next. Cox's character is a sex object in one scene, a "hooker with a heart of gold" in the next, then a backstabber, then a hostage, all only to become a protective mother at the end.

Costner's character is the worst of all. Sometimes in control, sometimes demented, sometimes a ruthless killer, sometimes having a sense of honor - but always awful - he never finds a consistent tone or accent. He may have had some good roles once, but 3000 Miles to Graceland only goes to show that those days are over.

RATING: Zero Stars (out of 5)

P.S. This is the first Tufts Daily review that got me known as "that guy who wrote that 3000 Miles to Graceland review!" Also, in case you thought I was making up the scorpions

Scorpion MADNESS