Strike a pose.
X-MEN 4 REVIEW
How bad is X-men Origins: Wolverine (aka X4?)
Would you believe that Wolverine’s getting his claws is handled in about 4 minutes, with some of the worst dialogue since Fantastic Four?
Would you believe that a good half of Wolverine’s life is handled with a montage of him fighting in the Civil War, World Wars I and II and Vietnam? Would you believe this is also the credit sequence? That there is no explanation for why he’s lived, oh, say 200 years without aging past Hugh Jackman?
Would you believe that they got Will.i.am to play a mutant? Would you believe they gave him a funny hat to wear, for no reason?
How about Ryan Reynolds to play a mutant ninja? Would you believe he actually found a worse superhero movie to be in than Blade: Trinity?
Or the introduction of The Blob, where Wolverine calls him “Bub,” and the blob turns and says “Did you just call me…. BLOB?!” (Give Hugh Jackman some credit, the look on his face during this scene is priceless)
Would you believe they got this guy (http://www.imdb.com/name/n
Would you believe that on at least two occasions (Meghan thought 3), Wolverine casts his eyes into the heavens and screams “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”?
Yeah, it’s that bad.
An prequel is always an odd thing. They assumes that we know enough about the characters to a) care enough to know the back story and yet b) care without knowing the backstory. A Wolverine Prequel isn’t necessarily a bad idea, as a big plotline in movies 1 and 2 is, hey, where did he get those wonderful toys? We find out, and man, is it stupid.
Jackman looks lost, all of his charisma and most of his edge drained from previous performances in X and X2. It’s one thing when Wolverine doesn’t give a damn about anyone, and then occasionally does the right thing. It’s another when, in this movie, he’s constantly having to be the good guy who just wants to settle down to a peaceful life of lumberjacking. (I shit you not.) In other words, he’s bland, devoid of wit and boring.
Liev Schriber does what he can as the semi-villain, but Sabretooth has always been a one dimensional character for me. There may be comics, unread by me, that add depth. That depth is not to be found here. Basically he gets mad and rips stuff apart; his motivations unclear, save for desiring to beat up Wolverine.
The rest of the mutants exist to say their super cool names, and then get killed off. Some of them don’t even make it to the cool name part before getting offed. They either make no impression, or a not-so-good impression. Will.i.am, in particular, strikes me as a musician who wandered onto the set, and demanded a funny hat. The kid they got to play Gambit, the less said, the better.
It’s really kind of depressing, how this movie forgets the principle of a team of baddasses. You remember the principle of the team of baddasses.
a) introduce a hero.
b) Introduce a team of badasses to surround the hero, with other powers.
c) Introduce a threat that, individually, could kill the hero and every one of the team of baddesses… unless they come together as a team.
d) The team comes together or splits apart when facing this threat
e) Profit.
In this case, our team is introduced and dispensed with so quickly they barely get to leave a mark. It plays like a demo reel (this guy uses guns; THIS guy uses swords!) This means we get all the clichés without any of the enjoyment.
It all winds down to a final confrontation between Wolverine and a member of the team, who, again, was introduced and left behind so quickly that we forget he’s even in the movie. The final fight is nothing more than actors pretending to hurt each other in front of a green screen, and since we know that most of them can heal after getting stabbed, it’s pretty much a race to suckville. No points for guessing if Wolverine survives.
Any commentary on what it means to be a mutant is lost. Any attempt to make the consequences felt is laughable. The twists, when they come, are lame. If you actually see the movie (and you shouldn’t), see which twist you like less: how Woverine was set up, or what the villains are actually up to. Not much else to report, except that the special effects are not very good… which is odd, considering how much money this movie cost.
Which brings me to the final insult. How bad is X4? The real barometer isn’t X3; because that movie had the burden of trying to deliver on the promise of X1 and X2… and failed miserably. There were expectations with X3. They still had Ian McKellan in X3. There was a failure of competency with X3.
Consider X4 an attempt to reboot the series, after all, only two of the major characters are still in it (three if you count the villain.) So how bad is X4? From the special effects to the embarrassing, miscast acting and the awful plot twists, it’s as bad as The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
Yeah, I went there.
GRADE: * (out of 5)
P.S. Young Cyclops is in this movie. He gets more to do than he did in X3. Still lame.
P.P.S.: There’s a surprise cameo at the end by an older actor, who they decided to digitally make younger. The anti-aging effects are done so poorly that you’re not sure if you’re looking at the actor, a digital dummy of the actor, or a Madame Tussaud’s Wax impression. Whatever they did in Benjamin Button, I am officially more impressed.
You may not think it's funny, but it is unquestionably a hat.
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