OCEAN'S 13: REVIEW

The original (remake) of Ocean’s 11 was good and entertaining without being necessary. Ocean’s 12 was necessary, without being good or entertaining. Ocean’s 13, finally, is entertaining without being necessary or even very good. If you hold your breath long enough, it starts to make sense.

I was a great admirer of Ocean’s 11, which was proved among many things that some of the biggest stars in Hollywood can have some fun and not take it all so seriously. (It was also the last good thing Andy Garcia has done) I was drunk when I saw Ocean’s 12, and I laughed some but remembered little, and never felt the compulsion to see it again. But here at last is the final (maybe) chapter of the silliest trilogy since The Naked Gun movies, and I must report that it is a good popcorn movie, if not a good movie.

The plot, in brief: Elliot Gould, who, as you recall, was The Guy With The Money in the previous movies, is tired of robbing and stealing. He decides to place all of his bets with Al Pacino, who, as you recall- no, wait that was Andy Garcia. Al Pacino is Willie Bank, Steve Wynn-esque builder of Vegas hotels, and he’s a real piece of work. He lets down/screws over Elliot Gould gently, so gently that Gould almost drops dead of a heart attack right on the construction site.

Enter the boys. (The absence of Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta Jones are dealt with via a single line, repeated three times.) Their dual rationale for dropping everything and spending all their money on revenge is a) This isn’t right and b) He’d do it for us. It’s not much, but on does not attend Ocean’s 13 looking for a revenge plot of Hamlet.

The rest of the movie is basically Movie Stars Screwing With Al Pacino, as they try and sabotage the opening of his new hotel. Some of their escapades are inspired (they manage to start a small revolution in Mexico just to fix the craps dice) and others are routine (the good old fashioned, “that helicopter’s flying away with my safe!”) Whether you enjoy that or not is up to you, I had a wonderful time.

We know that in real life Brad Pitt and George Clooney do very important things, like saving orphans from Canada, so it’s nice to make believe that they’d hang out and watch the Bellagio fountain like any other tourists. Matt Damon does his “No really guys, I can do this” schtick again, which is surprisingly still funny. Less funny is Bernie Mac’s “I’m Bernie Mac” schtick, which gets older all the time. In fairness, they don’t give him much to do, nor do most of the rest of the original eleven, who seem to be there mostly because otherwise they’d have to change the title.

Al Pacino has been Al Pacino for awhile now, but nobody does it better. He certainly does it better than Harrison Ford playing Harrison Ford, or, dare I say it, Andy Garcia playing Andy Garcia. And if he underplays it a bit (or phones it in, you tell me) all the better, since the closer he is to reality, the more he’s a real sonofabitch. Eddie Izzard makes a fun cameo, and Ellen Barkin manages to take a slightly sexist role and turn it right back into outright satire on the movie. The absence of any other women isn’t really a problem, since these movies have always been about a boys club. There is one good line and one great joke, neither of which I will give away here.

That leaves only one thing, and you’re probably still scratching your head: why the second movie was necessary, again? Ocean’s 12, let’s face it, stunk. I was wary when I saw the trailer for another sequel. However, while 12 was a lousy heist movie, it told us more about these characters and firmly established their relationships. In other words, based on the first movie, there’s no way these guys would drop everything to help out one of their own. But after the second movie, where they went to hell and back to save themselves; maybe they would this time. Also, if this movie had been the sequel, it would have seemed old hat- they rob Vegas again? This time, I was thankful, since I knew that would mean there would be an actual heist, and the villain wouldn’t have an impenetrable French accent. (remember, screenwriters: villain is an asshole, good; villain is a douchebag, bad)

Ocean’s 13 is nothing new, but like a burger from your favorite diner, it’s familiar. It’s like coming home, and while Ocean’s 11 retains the crown for number one “if it’s on TNT I will watch it” movie, if this was on after it, I might just stick around.

RATING: * * * Stars (out of 5)

P.S. There is no thirteenth member, and by my count, they lost one since the last movie.

P.P.S. Oh what a BIG MAN YOU ARE!

SURFS UP: REVIEW

When you're going to use pixels to make a cartoon, so the saying goes, or so it should, remember that you're going up against Pixar. They are King of the digital cartoon empire.

Of course, Pixar also has to compete with Pixar itself. And when Pixar’s CARS came out, a movie which I liked but did not love, a lot of people I know pronounced it unfunny and boring.

Pixar regularly delivers some of the best animated films of our time, so when they deliver something less than that, people get pissed. Fair ball.

CARS was charming, funny and provided a trivia answer that will stand the test of time (namely, “What was Larry The Cable Guy’s best movie?”) However, my biggest question was why Pixar had gone to all that trouble just to remake DOC HOLLYWOOD. You remember DOC HOLLYWOOD?

Of course you do.

That was the one where Michael J. Fox, on the way to become a world famous plastic surgeon, gets stuck in a small town for a few months only to fall in love, make real friends, and discover the pleasures of small town life. That was pretty much the plot of Cars, except Marty McFly was replaced by Owen “paycheck” Wilson as a talking car, and they added Paul “what the hell I’m Paul Newman” Newman as the crusty old forgotten veteran for good measure. The main points were the same, though: arrogant hero from the city, turned humble and wise by a small town, which he finds love and does good work. Done.

Now comes Surf’s Up, the latest attempt to cash in on PDA (Penguins Doing Anything), and while you make think the movie is a rip off of HAPPY FEET or MARCH OF THE PENGUINS; it is in fact a rip off of CARS.

Arrogant hero? Check. Amazingly stupid yet stupidly profound best friend? Check. Slightly-independent-yet-ultimately-making-goo-goo eyes-at-the-hero-heroine? Check. Grizzled old veteran who wants to be left alone, only returns to train the hero? Check. Some kind of sporting event that The Hero Has A Lot To Learn About? Check. A fake version of ESPN that involves whatever talking creatures we have acting like they’re sports reporters? Check. Check. Check! A+!

These characters and concepts have worked before and will work again, but not in this movie. Of course, the biggest difference, and the one I’m sure the writers are the most proud of, is the framework that this tired structure is presented in. The entire film is shot in the fake-doc-improv style of Spinal Tap, Waiting For Guffman, and the unfairly forgotten Drop Dead Gorgeous. So you have characters wandering verbally, riffing to the camera about whatever is going on. You get the voices of the unseen documentarians, or in this case, penguin documentarians. You get some funny cutaways, as when the hero steps on a sea urchin, and suddenly we get an interview with Bob the Sea Urchin (“Look at my spines! Broken, broken and broken!!”) You get the standard issue, character says he did A, and we see live footage of him doing B. And so on.

The format is solid, if done well. It has never been done to my knowledge in an animated film, which means it has never been done before. But before we start cashing those originality checks, I must make the following charge:

Quite simply, this movie cheats.

The ‘camera’ crew is there when needed, but forgotten when not. We often see things that there’s NO WAY the camera crew could have seen, and last time I checked, documentary filmmakers don’t use song montages. (I counted at least four in this film) Two characters will chat as if they’re the only people on the beach, and then suddenly the characters turn around and start shouting at the camera crew. Who are these guys? Why are they making this documentary? And who, exactly, is watching it? Who’s watching the fake ESPN network anyway? I don’t recall any TV’s on the island. I realize I’m talking about a penguin movie, but when you introduce a flashy new element, you better have a flashy new reason for it being there.

I mean, seriously. Who is watching this?

Animated films are short for several reasons. In addition to the fact that kids can only sit for so long and theater operators want to have as many showings as possible, the fact is- it’s hard to keep inspiration going for much longer than that. We (and kids) expect more from animated characters. The jokes must be funnier, the plot developments must come faster, the world must expand as vast as our imaginations. And, in order to jump that hurdle from ‘diversion’ to ‘engaging’, the movie must be tightly plotted. Reexamine most of the Pixar films, and while there’s a plethora of jokes and heart you will also find an economy of plot points and wonderful pacing. A minute wasted in animation feels longer than real movies, because we’re actively aware that the world they’re living in is utterly artificial. A real cow moves slowly, an animated cow better move it’s butt or be reaaaaally funny standing there.

I digress. The point is, the Waiting For Guffman docu-style ultimately defeats Surf’s Up, because characters should only be talking to the audience when there’s something desperately important and/or funny that the audience must know right now. By definition, in a fake-u-doc, they’re killing time because they have nowhere else to be, which is the joke. Real people with nowhere else to be can be hilarious. However, without more information on why the penguin surfing documentary must be made, these birds are basically wasting our goddamn time.

Visually, the movie is stunning. The voicework ranges from adequate (James Woods phoning it in) to good (Jeff Bridges riffing on his Big Lebowski character) The penguins are cute if indistinctive, and Chicken Joe (Jon Heder) the sidekick has some great moments. But it all adds up to a profoundly mediocre film that is not funny enough to justify its laziness.

This movie only wants to be loved, surf some waves and make some money. Which is fine. But I’m thinking only the second is going to happen, and even then, the movie doesn’t make a convicing case as to why we should care. Will kids like it? Hell, maybe. But against Pixar, even Cars, this thing doesn’t have a chance.

Rating: * * Stars (Out of 5)

P.S. The less said about the scene where the Jeff Bridges penguin pees on the Shia Lebouf penguin, the better.